(ed. note: not necessarily the view of ESCONI or its members or comment on anything specific - political satire.)
Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv),
has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no
electrons, it is inert. However, it can
be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second, to take from 4
days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal
half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
critical morass.
When catalyzed with
money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that is as
inert as Governmentium, since it has half as many
pillocks but twice as many morons.
